Recently, someone e-mailed me, with an offer to; "evaluate the state of my spiritual groove." Going on to say that they would then do a complete over-haul of the areas of my groovy-ness that were determined to be deficient.
All of this very difficult, but necessary work performed for three easy payments of $69.99. Plus shipping and handling for any groove parts needed for the repairs that were not in stock, and had to be special ordered.
Before they could "get started" they needed me to write down and send to them my own personal assessment as to the general state of my "groove" at this time.
Below you will find my initial response.
*******************************************
To groove, or not to groove? What was the question?
Hello,I'm wordwaymike. I live in Oxnard, California.
My groove has one foot in the grave. And the other foot my groove gave to science.
The rest of my groove was divided in to three "allegedly" equal portions. That were then transported to the four corners of the ear..?
Wait... O.k. I remember now! Three portions were sent to the three corners of the earth.
It sounds weird I know, but hey! You're not looking at the same map that I am.
I know that for I fact cause I just drew it (after running into the three portions, four corners conundrum.)
Anyway. I'm digressing from the amazing three simultaneous trips that most of my my groove was taking. While the remnants off my groove's totality, which if you remember were not part of the whole equal portion thing, were doing what they do best. Which is?
Hell I don't know, Ask them.
I'm tired of digressing. And I'm tired of typing out this groovifesto, as it were. Or will be, if I ever get them three equal portions reunited with both of my legs.
I mean, I was drunker than; "A barrel full of drunkies who were seeing flying monkeys." when I signed that "donate a leg to science" form that I found on the inside of a match book!
I mean sweet Jesus on a Honda! That won't hold up in court will it? I mean I was really attached to that there leg. Until I wasn't.
What's worse, I heard that one of those portions was due to be rendered down to make a tasty groove-stock, that you can make a really groovy gravy out of.
But why would they want to do that?
How am I supposed to reconnect some groovy gravy thing to the other aspects of my groovyness?
I can't even get anybody to pick up the phone at either of the other "two out of three" corners of the world.
To be honest, I can't seem to find them again on my map.
It seems that when I was drawing the dang thing there was a crease in the paper.
A REALLY BIG FRIGGIN CREASE! O.K. Several really big creases.
Apparently my "map" is more akin to a grade school rendition of the folding of time and space.
What does that mean?
Are one, two, or all three of my "three corners" crappy map delusion to be found only by visiting the delta quadrant? Or by going back in time to when giant groove eating reptiles ruled the world?
How am I supposed to do that? I don't own a warp drive spaceship, or a time machine.
I can't be taking that much time off from work! Going off on some time traveling, inter-dimensional, "I'm two thousand light years from home" gallivant. Groove or no Groove.
But Sweet Jesus at a jute joint! Please don't let em make a gravy out of my groove.
But, if they do...
I want some!
*****************************************
I WAS A GROVENILE DELINQUENT!
I had been contacted by a spiritual resources company (Groovin’ on up! ®) and they offered to make any and all necessary repairs to my less than Nirvanic "state of grooviness" at present. For the introductory offer of three easy payment of $69.99. (plus the cost of parts, plus shipping and handling for any groovy parts that weren't in stock and had to be special ordered.)
Before they could get started, they required an honest assessment by me, as to how my "groove" had deteriorated into such a grooveless state.
It appears that my first attempt to quantify the current state of my grooviness was in some aspects..... O.K., many aspects lacking.
They couldn't get a vector on my "groove" because I hadn't been entirely forthcoming. Making it impossible for them to total the number of "skidmarks" on my spiritual underwear. They had to know just how many there were that needed to be sandblasted and steam-cleaned into submission.
I was hoping that with this additional "confession" the repairs to my Groove could commence.
****************************************
To: "Groovin' on up!" Coordinator
At: Groovin on up! Inc.
Subject: The additional information you requested.
************
I apologize for the wild tangents that the initial biographic cross-section of my bonafides took off on, in my first response to your request for "present status of "Groove" that you needed before repairs to my Groove could begin.
I now know that these are areas of my persona best left unexplored.
I will try harder to supply a simple sample of the man I am. As befits the parameters of the whole thumbnail sketch-hang-nail sketch-synopsis of my Groove concept.
I'm aware that my first narrative offering was more akin to a "police artist sketch"My bad.
To start with; I wasn't always a guy that was moving in the groove of life. Oh no! As ashamed as I am to tell you this, I must. (As it is a matter of public record, and you will find out eventually.)
There was a time in my life when I was a; "Groovinile Delinquent!"
Please! Hear me out! Then cast me out. If you must.
But my sad, and for the most part, near enough to true tale of Grooval loss, forgiveness, (all right parole), and redemption, is a cautionary tale. (On so many different levels) that might help some poor, unfortunate groove less creature, such as I was, to change their ways.
And by so doing, get "lucky".
Not just once, but periodically!
To see someone make that miraculous leap of desperation, excuse me, faith! Across that chasm of anti-groove! (as I will call it for lack of a better word that springs to mind) That elevates this searcher and seeker of Groove from a person that is scorned, up to the next level where he is merely pitied.
Much like a train wreck, this is a sight that you just can't quite tear your eyes away from.
And from there, it is just a few years in "pity's purgatory" (it builds character!) before they crawl their way up to where those that have a recognizable "smidgen" of groove to call their very own reside.
Yes! "The realm of minions and gophers!"
Becoming one of those that are finally, somewhat, tolerated!
And from there?
Hey! Your guess is as good as mine.
For as we all know, "The Groove Giveth." But not nearly as often as the; "Groove has the repo-man come and taketh away."
But we also know that the path upward from there has been climbed before. And will be climbed again.
But I wouldn't suggest a frontal assault on the Throne of Groove!
I mean that place is heavily fortified! And those dudes and dudettes up there might be "in the Groove," but they have a real strong "take no prisoners" and "no solicitors" kind of attitude!
I mean, from right there at the wrought iron gate that blocks the drive way, "it is on!"
And on up from there to the main house. We're talking sniper teams, landmines and Groove knows what! That's a lot of open ground. They'd chew us up and spit us out!
And have you seen the canine patrol! "Sweet Jesus with a pork chop tied around his neck!!"
I'm talking Irish Wolfhounds! That speak with an Irish Brogue!
German Shepard's! That speak German! Fluently!
No, I think that were gonna have to lay siege to the joint. Starve em out. Smoke em out, or something.
Err...
Pardon me for digressin' once again.
The above was an example of how my groove-less mind would have tempted me with all the bright shiny things to be found at or near the Throne of Groove.
Things that mean nothing, or a little less at least, than being a living breathing repository of groove.
Sadly, this is the craven creature that was me.
In my formative years, when I was not yet fully formed, fully informed, routinely framed, and rarely conformed to the ever changing eclectic standards of one who dwells within the city limits of groove.
These are the kind of thoughts that would have my groove-less soul salivating like some half starved hound in a Pavlovian bell ringing experiment!
Conditioned response? I kept my response in top condition! At all times!
I could see the neon like glow that was thrown off by those that were imbued with the groove.
But I had to be content with the mere scraps of groove that were tossed my way a few times in life. If I was willing to fetch, or roll over.
But not nearly as often as someone in the Groove, while inebriated and distracted by the groovy hottie he was with accidentally dropped a wad of cash imbued with groovy vibes still attached, to the ground unnoticed.
Unnoticed by someone who had pockets full of groovy cash. But not unnoticed by me!
So as you can see, it was in this way that I developed a lust for all things groovy.
I must have them!
I will not be denied!
I...
Uhh...?
I'll try and nail this sketchy thing I have to submit later.
After I have had some rest.
My bad.
No comments:
Post a Comment